Dating app success stories usually follow a pattern. An initial spark on the internet can lead to … (+)
Online dating can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, from the excitement of a new match to the frustration of a conversation that fizzles out. While this process can feel like an endless cycle of swiping, messaging, and disappointment, there’s reason to remain hopeful.
In a 2023 study published in Communication research, Author Liesel Sharabi conducted 50 in-depth interviews with people who met their fiancé or spouse online. She examined the dating processes that lead to long-term commitment and found that relationships that begin online typically go through four distinct stages before culminating in marriage.
According to the study, these are the four phases of successful online dating.
1. Put yourself in the spotlight
The first phase of online dating is making a decision, taking the plunge, experimenting with different platforms, and likely experiencing several failed attempts before finding the right partner. Participants described often feeling trapped in a “download and delete” cycle.
“I downloaded the app and then deleted it for a while. Then I downloaded it again and then deleted it for a while. I was really discouraged by how it was going and I just thought, you know what? I’m done with this. This makes me feel bad,” explains Kaitlin, a participant in the study who recounts the difficulties of her online dating experience.
For some, this process means meeting dozens, if not hundreds, of people before finding someone who is a good fit. Interestingly, participants found that filling out profiles and interacting with a diverse dating pool helped them date more purposefully and have a clearer idea of what they are looking for in a partner.
“It really helped me focus on what I want from relationships because it made me think about that. So I actually think about what I want from a partner and then basically say I’m not even going to get involved with someone who doesn’t meet those criteria,” says Tanesha, another participant in the study.
2. Build an online relationship
Starting a relationship online is heavily influenced by the tools and cues offered by dating platforms, but participants also retained a sense of self-determination and interpreted algorithmic suggestions in the context of their own preferences and values.
“If they had only answered four questions and we had 100% (compatibility), then I didn’t pay much attention to it. Now I remember she answered about 50 questions, and that’s how I knew there was great compatibility,” says Joseph, a participant who describes why he chose his current partner.
Participants often placed importance on visual elements in their partner’s profile. They used images not only to assess physical attractiveness but also to infer personality traits and lifestyle compatibility, which helped them imagine what their partner might be like in real life.
One participant, Jadyn, mentioned that the pictures of her partner “were not self-centered. It wasn’t like, ‘Here I am in a cut-off shirt with all my muscles showing.’ It was just like, ‘Here I am with my dog’ and ‘Here I am fishing.’ From the beginning, he seemed very genuine.” This helped her feel more confident about building a relationship.
Additionally, many participants took their time before meeting in person, using features like likes or winks to gauge interest and build rapport. Most said they waited an average of 28 days before meeting in person, making them feel more comfortable, which led to deeper, more honest conversations.
“It was a little easier to ask questions about him, because in person sometimes it’s a little nerve-wracking. You don’t want to ask, you don’t want to go too far,” says Harper, a participant who emphasizes how communicating online helped build a strong foundation of intimacy with her partner before they even met.
3. Transition to an offline relationship
The third phase is the crucial moment when a couple meets in person for the first time. It is often accompanied by a mixture of excitement and fear about whether the partner will live up to expectations.
“You can picture the person and have a rough idea of what they are like, but you don’t know if you’re just dreaming about it or if it’s reality,” explains Colette, one of the study’s interviewees.
However, for most participants, their partners met or exceeded their expectations. Having realistic expectations for the first date helped them avoid disappointment and focus on the relationship’s potential. The first date became an important milestone and solidified the bond they had built online.
“I think it just became real. We spoke practically every minute of those ten days. When I met him, I felt like I already knew him. He felt the same way,” explains Sierra, another interviewee.
4. Nurture the relationship
In the final phase, compatibility was not determined immediately based on superficial attraction, but participants assessed it gradually the more time they spent together, through repeated interactions and shared experiences. They also emphasized the importance of observing their partner’s behavior over time, how they dealt with challenges, and how their values aligned.
“I had to see how he treated me, how he treated other people, and just have consistent experiences with him over time,” explains Mariyah, one of the interviewees.
Because of this, many users decided to delete their apps and commit exclusively to one person. “When I started talking to him, the other people just faded into the background,” explains Bethany, another participant.
Although these relationships begin in the digital world, their success depends on how well the couples manage the transition offline. The journey from matching on an app to walking down the aisle is not without its hurdles—great relationships take time, patience, and consistent effort. However, for those willing to invest in the process, the wait can be well worth it.
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